Sometimes I wonder

I wonder sometimes how other people in my family mainly my siblings cannot take the time that they should be taking to spend with our mother. I have personally given so much of my time up and it’s caused me so much stress and physical illness. I’ve conveyed this to them, they see it, yet nothing changes. I have to almost begged them to go and visit or do something for her or run an errand for her. She of course is a very needy person and I am well aware of that. She has a hard time with the thought of me even going on vacation it’s almost as if she doesn’t think that I should go anywhere and it’s mainly her selfishness that makes her feel this way. She doesn’t want anybody except me doing things for her because I think she feels like she can control me the most which has pretty much always been the case but I really need to put some boundaries up with her. I know that she’s lonely and I and I know that she wants companionship and wants people to visit her but I can’t do it all and I don’t think that she understands that nor do I think my siblings understand it. They say they do yet they do nothing to help me again unless I beg them.

I am the caretaker in my family and always have been but it has come at a great cost to me, my mental health and my physical health at this point and I’m not getting any younger and I want to live some of my life without having all of that stress. I love my mother as much as I loved my father but I need a break I’m so burned out from running all of these errands and getting her doctors appointments  scheduled finding, ways for her to get there if I can’t take her, making sure she has food making sure her bills are paid And making sure that all of her insurance is kept up with and that all her medical bills are covered. It’s definitely a full-time job taking care of her even though she is in assisted-living right now. I don’t have enough time to live my already busy life and take care of everything that she needs so if it means having my siblings be upset with me about me complaining to them then so be it I need a life too.

How Do I Move?

We are getting ready to move into a new condo in Saco. I’m not even sure how we made this decision. I guess I was desperate for change in my life from being so incredibly burned out from my mother living here. As much as I love her, she has a way of sucking the life out of me.....always has. I know that some day I may look back on this and wish that I hadn’t typed it or thought it but I love her more than anything in the world. She doesn’t know any better at this age because she’s always lived her life the same way.....very little changes in her world. I never thought I would be able to have her move out of my house. How do you do that to your mother? I guess it came down to taking care of myself. 

When my father died, a big piece of me died with him. I will never be the same person and there are times when I wish I didn’t have to go on without him in my life. 

I think this will be the same with my mother. I have been her main caretaker for as long as I can remember. I’m sure I’m somewhat dependent on her in some ways and that will tear its ugly head when I lose her. I feel like I’m literally on the edge of insanity right now anyway and I have to take care of myself right now and regenerate. I know there is more loss to come. I don’t want to be this person. I hate who I am and I’m truly trying but it never lasts. I fall apart every few weeks. 

I know this is all rambling.....it might always be rambling but it feels good to get it off my chest and typed out. 

So.....how do I move..... my home, my grief and my outlook on the future? 

Under My Skin?

So I thought I'd start blogging again and wanted to start a whole new blog site to be able to leave words for my family to let them know what life is like for me at this age and beyond. I'm currently 55 years old but I'm a few months, I'll be 56. 

This blog may not be as positive as some would like for it to be but I'm determined to make it my own and share my true feelings about the people and happenings in my life. 

The Last Four Weeks.......

have flown by. I cannot believe that summer is almost over!

September 12th marked our 29th wedding anniversary. It’s hard to believe that we’ve been married that long but in some ways it feels like forever. We’ve been together since we were 16 years old which means ¾ of our lives! I sometimes look at Danny and remember the first time that I ever saw him pulling up in front of my house for our first (blind) date and remembering what that was like for me. He was the first person that I dated that had a car and a job….lol. I remember how scared we both were when we found out that I was pregnant. We had no business being parents at 17 years old and then again at 19, that’s for sure! My kids lives were a whirlwind of both of us trying to grow up and raise two kids the best we could with what we had. We made a lot of mistakes and probably now, look back and wish sometimes that we could do it all over again but it all worked out pretty well somehow. Looking back, I can’t believe we actually pulled it off!
I could never have imagined (in a MILLION years!) that we would be where we are today. I think about the same thing sometimes when I look at my family and especially the grandkids……I never could have imagined that we’d be so lucky to have such a grounded and close family with good morals and values. They are all great parents and hold staying close as a family, very important. What more can anyone ask for really? In my opinion, nothing!

Okay…..now for other updates:

Nolan is growing and changing every day. He’s already smiling (not gas smiles) and looks EXACTLY like his daddy when he smiles. Same dimple, same smile. He seems to be settling in pretty well and unlike his sister, has gotten used to a lot of noise pretty quickly. He loves being held and really loves his mother right now since she’s always got what he’s looking for. It’s pretty funny to see that he and Avery really don’t look anything alike (at least not right now). I guess we’ll see if that changes in the future.


Petros recently spent a night with us before preschool started for him. We had plans to go out to iHop for breakfast so that Petros could get some of those great looking strawberry topped pancakes with the whipped cream on top! He was so excited to go…… He woke us up (by jumping on the bed) at 6:20 and loudly announcing that it was 6:00 and time to get up. We were going to iHop!! He loved his pancakes and sausage but noticed on the way out that iHop had pumpkin pancakes!! Petros LOVES anything pumpkin L - Looks like we’ll have to take another trip back to sample the pumpkin pancakes soon. He is doing well in preschool and has been a really big help to the teachers and other classmates by helping some of the younger or newer kids with tasks that Petros already knows how to do. I think that he’s starting to figure out that school is going to be a permanent thing for him. He likes it but I think he’d be much more content staying home. After a long weekend, he’s finding excuses not to have to return to school this week. I’m sure that’ll change as time goes on and he gets into more of a routine.


Avery is continuing to adjust to life sharing everyone’s attention with Nolan. She loves her brother though and gives him hugs and kisses (while gritting her teeth) all of the time. She also spent the night with Nana and Papa recently and did a lot better than last time (only up until 9:00 pm instead of 10:30). She’s so smart and is now putting long sentences together. It’s amazing how quickly she has gone from being what we considered to be a baby, into a little girl. She plays very well by herself, which is a huge help to Melissa and Gavin when they need to take care of Nolan. Avery will turn 2 on September 26th! I cannot believe how fast time has flown. It feels like Petros and Avery have been with us for a looooonnnnngggg time.


We welcomed yet another baby into the family only 4 days after Nolan came along. Maya Isabelle was born on 8/13/09 weighing in at a healthy 9 lbs. 11 oz. – Stephen and Maggie are thrilled. She looks just like her father. We are all very happy for them. It’ll be interesting to see Stephen experiencing life with a little girl.

We took on an enormous weekend project of turning our office into the kids play room a couple of weeks ago! It’s amazing that an entire room was painted, a hardwood floor put in (thanks with a LOT of help from our son, Dan) and cubbies and walls were decorated in less than one week! The kids all love the room and it helps with toys being scattered throughout the house.

Life is busy and not always perfect.......but really good!!

Here's #3!

Nolan Rand Stone arrived on Sunday at 1:59 pm, weighing in at a healthy 8 lbs. 1 oz. He's 21 1/4 inches long.

After a strange night of labor for Melissa, he finally made his appearance! I don't think that Melissa is cut out for epidurals. Once again, she had issues with it not working as it was supposed to and had to work through the pain. I'm very proud of her. She did an awesome job! It almost killed me to watch it but I survived too!

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

We all think Nolan looks like Gavin. He certainly doesn't resemble Avery at all when she was born and since she is a clone of Melissa, I think it's safe to say that Nolan will look like his daddy.
Avery and Petros are pretty excited. Avery keeps getting up really close and gritting her teeth, all the while saying "Baby, baby!" This is different from other babies that she's met. I think she gets that this one is her baby "Lonan"......Life as she knew it is gone and now she'll have to share Mommy and Daddy. I'm sure that she'll adjust to her brother, well....It'll just take her some time.
Petros was adorable when he got to hold Nolan. He started to rock him from side to side. I asked him how he knew to do that with the baby and he told me: "I just watched Daddy." Deep thinker, that kid is! He was thinking about what he was going to do before he held the baby.
It's hard to believe that we are now grandparents to 3! I'm starting to feel like mid-life has finally hit. I'm not sure why it didn't feel that way before but there is something about having 3 grandchildren that makes it more real. Ummm....wait till #4 arrives!

Time Keeps On Ticking………………

Well, here we are, waiting for Nolan to join us. I guess he’s going to come when he gets good and ready and not when it’s convenient for anyone. I’m guessing that he’s going to be a pretty independent little guy anyway. My guess is that he’ll be much more active and demand a lot more attention than Avery did. I’m ready to give him all the attention that he’ll need as I’m sure both Melissa and Gavin are. We just want him to hurry up and come out so we can finally meet him! I’m really excited to see Avery with him since she’s been “hugging and kissing” baby Lonan (aka Nolan) for a long time now. She doesn’t have a clue as to what is about to happen but I know that she’ll be a very good big sister. Melissa’s pregnancy hasn’t been quite as easy this time around. Nolan likes to move around a LOT more than Avery did so Melissa hasn’t been sleeping very good but manages to sneak a few naps in with Avery now and then these days. I’m hoping that by the time I write my next blog, it’ll be full of pictures of our newest family member!

Next week will also mark the one year mark for one of the greatest loves of our lives to join our family, Petros Bekele Engelhardt! I still think about all of the people who loved and supported our family during the time when Dan and Tiffany were waiting to bring Petros home. It was a time in our lives that I will never forget. It seems like he’s been with us forever and I guess in some ways, he really has. Petros is so handsome, smart, sensitive and loving. I cannot think of another child his age that is as caring as Petros. I love him so much! Dan and Tiffany celebrated their Family Day yesterday, which was the 1 year anniversary of the day they met Petros, by taking him out for dinner. They went to a Mexican restaurant since they know that Petros loves spicy food. We’ll all be taking a trip to Funtown to celebrate. I’m sure he’ll love that! I also look forward to seeing Petros with Nolan. He says that he doesn’t want to hold him but I’m sure that will change as soon as he comes to the hospital to see him.

This past week/weekend........

was a pretty good one! On Thursday night, I went to see a play, "Always, Patsy Cline" with the Tuesday Night Supper Club girls (TNSC). While it wasn't as good as the same play that I'd seen in Austin, we still had a good time.

Petros visited his new preschool that he'll be going to in Portland on Thursday and loved it! He even participated in "Show and Tell" and showed everyone his watch. All of the kids loved it and said that they also wanted a watch. That made him feel pretty important! He'll start preschool on September 8th. He'll go 3 days one week and 2 the next. That should work out great for Tiffany's work schedule. Daddy will be dropping him off on his way to work in the morning and will be picking him up at night (that's IF Tiffany can stand to get out of work and not go pick him up herself!!)

On Saturday, Melissa, Avery and I went to the Carter's outlet to "make sure we hadn't missed anything for Nolan"......... That's always fun! When we ask Avery "Who goes shopping?" She says: "Nana, Mommy and Avery!". She's got that one down pat! The shirt she's wearing below was one of our purchases. CUTE! We enjoyed just hanging out at the house for the rest of the day and were surprised to see the sun pop out around 4:00. We took advantage and jumped in the pool.

I'm pretty impressed with Avery's knowledge of Beatles songs. Melissa sings verses to "In My Life" and Avery can finish the song all the way through! A girl after my own heart! She's a lot like her mother.....loves to sing. I remember when Melissa was growing up and on our endless rides from Naples to Portland and back home again, she'd sing the whole way......loudly! It's interesting to see how things come back around...LOL - I have a feeling that this one will too!

Danny and I went to dinner and then to a movie on Saturday night. That's pretty rare these days for us. We're hoping to plan a long weekend after Nolan comes to get away. Our 29th anniversary will be coming up in September so that's probably a perfect excuse.

We had a really good day on Sunday. I watched Petros for the afternoon while Tiff worked and Dan did his Big Brother duties. It was a gorgeous day! After lunch, Petros and I played in the pool for almost 4 hours!! (Nana got burned to a crisp!!)

Petros learned to swim under water without plugging his nose which was a pretty big deal for him. He also likes it when Daddy or Papa throw him up high in the pool and he goes under water........AH! my nerves!! He's come a LONG way since last year......check him out!

We ended the the weekend with an impromptu barbecue of hamburgers, hot dogs as well as salads and desserts. Dan, Tiffany, Petros, Gavin, Melissa, Avery, Felipe, Marcella, Sofia and Danny's parents joined us.

I had a really great weekend! I want more like these!

The countdown begins...........I'm getting soooo excited!