Sometimes I wonder

I wonder sometimes how other people in my family mainly my siblings cannot take the time that they should be taking to spend with our mother. I have personally given so much of my time up and it’s caused me so much stress and physical illness. I’ve conveyed this to them, they see it, yet nothing changes. I have to almost begged them to go and visit or do something for her or run an errand for her. She of course is a very needy person and I am well aware of that. She has a hard time with the thought of me even going on vacation it’s almost as if she doesn’t think that I should go anywhere and it’s mainly her selfishness that makes her feel this way. She doesn’t want anybody except me doing things for her because I think she feels like she can control me the most which has pretty much always been the case but I really need to put some boundaries up with her. I know that she’s lonely and I and I know that she wants companionship and wants people to visit her but I can’t do it all and I don’t think that she understands that nor do I think my siblings understand it. They say they do yet they do nothing to help me again unless I beg them.

I am the caretaker in my family and always have been but it has come at a great cost to me, my mental health and my physical health at this point and I’m not getting any younger and I want to live some of my life without having all of that stress. I love my mother as much as I loved my father but I need a break I’m so burned out from running all of these errands and getting her doctors appointments  scheduled finding, ways for her to get there if I can’t take her, making sure she has food making sure her bills are paid And making sure that all of her insurance is kept up with and that all her medical bills are covered. It’s definitely a full-time job taking care of her even though she is in assisted-living right now. I don’t have enough time to live my already busy life and take care of everything that she needs so if it means having my siblings be upset with me about me complaining to them then so be it I need a life too.

How Do I Move?

We are getting ready to move into a new condo in Saco. I’m not even sure how we made this decision. I guess I was desperate for change in my life from being so incredibly burned out from my mother living here. As much as I love her, she has a way of sucking the life out of me.....always has. I know that some day I may look back on this and wish that I hadn’t typed it or thought it but I love her more than anything in the world. She doesn’t know any better at this age because she’s always lived her life the same way.....very little changes in her world. I never thought I would be able to have her move out of my house. How do you do that to your mother? I guess it came down to taking care of myself. 

When my father died, a big piece of me died with him. I will never be the same person and there are times when I wish I didn’t have to go on without him in my life. 

I think this will be the same with my mother. I have been her main caretaker for as long as I can remember. I’m sure I’m somewhat dependent on her in some ways and that will tear its ugly head when I lose her. I feel like I’m literally on the edge of insanity right now anyway and I have to take care of myself right now and regenerate. I know there is more loss to come. I don’t want to be this person. I hate who I am and I’m truly trying but it never lasts. I fall apart every few weeks. 

I know this is all rambling.....it might always be rambling but it feels good to get it off my chest and typed out. 

So.....how do I move..... my home, my grief and my outlook on the future? 

Under My Skin?

So I thought I'd start blogging again and wanted to start a whole new blog site to be able to leave words for my family to let them know what life is like for me at this age and beyond. I'm currently 55 years old but I'm a few months, I'll be 56. 

This blog may not be as positive as some would like for it to be but I'm determined to make it my own and share my true feelings about the people and happenings in my life.